Hollow of Valentine

I remember one fine evening while I was still in Alor Setar watching TV with my mom, and out of the blue she said to me, “Joash, it’s Valentine’s day today you know.” All I knew about Valentine back then was that it was all about roses, pink hearts and chocolates. Innocently as I was, I simply replied, “Is it? Happy Valentine’s day mommy!” and that did the job by putting a smile on her face after all.

Now looking back at what happened almost 12 years ago, after going through numerous rejections and pains, after wiping away tears and allowing the wounds of the heart to heal countless times, I realised, Valentines, after all, is a myth created by man in a miserable attempt to make a secular and worldly form of ‘love’ – a type of fantasy only seen in Walt Disney – a reality.

I hate valentines with every single breath I had in me. It reminded me about how mean girls have been to me every time they knew that I liked them last time. It brought back the painful memories of how it felt like to be made a total idiot out of whenever they tried to make triumph out of a foiled attempt of mine to establish a lasting relationship that goes beyond friendship.

And I thought, why valentine if there was never meant to be any for me?

The next thing in mind was, can a valentine really be true?

Looking at all the people in shopping malls or in cinemas holding hands, or occasionally if I were to see a young lady resting her head on the shoulder of her boyfriend, something would simply stir in my heart. I never knew what it was, but it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. It felt something like feeling ‘happy’ for them because they have something you didn’t have. It felt something like feeling ‘warm’ for the comfort they have in each other, of which – definitely – you didn’t have.

Perhaps I felt envious. Perhaps I felt lonely.

Perhaps I still wonder, how long more do I have to wait before I could ever, ever celebrate a true and meaningful valentine that I could call my own?

Sharing my burden and my thoughts with Erin and Amanda, they reminded me about the love that really made a difference. They reminded me constantly throughout this whole week that the real valentine was never the world or the girls. The real valentine wasn’t a human being that could promise you the world or the stars in the sky and forget about it in a moment or so. It was more than roses and chocolates.

It was Jesus. The valentine that they first found to be meaningful in their lives, the valentine that they decided to seek partnership with for now and through the days that are yet to come. The valentine that they finally found true value and meaning in immediately after encountering what I went through almost recently.

They learned, easier than me that Man fails. It’s almost destiny, almost fate, almost a fact. So much intelligence and yet so little commitment towards the feelings and emotions of each other.

Maybe that’s why we’re all humans. One person is foolish enough to give out empty promises and the other person is silly enough to believe all the empty words of the first party. From the way things are, I’m sure God is having a good time watching all these sitcoms from heaven.

But little did I know what was in stall for me this Valentine’s Day. I went to CA in church and was busy preparing for worship, getting people moving, making sure that things were organised and stuff. And it came to the word of God. The message that Pastor Joshua delivered that night was all about the trials and tests of love.

“Are you ready to love a person even if he or she has not loved you before?”

“Are you prepared to sacrifice for the person that you love even if you’re not going to see any returns out of it?”

I was struck hard.

It wasn’t the part about loving a person that will never love me or the sacrificing of a person that hit me, it was the memories of myself loving a girl that would never love me that stunned me for a moment.

Then I realised what was bothering me all this while. What was really bothering me was not the idea of not having a girl friend to celebrate valentine’s this year with, but it was the difficulty and struggle to let go of what has happened. It’s been almost 2 months, and yet I still find it hard at times to just let go of the wounds and pain. Yes I have forgiven her – even though she refuses to admit that she was at fault in the first place – even though I decided to listen to her side of the story and try to convince myself that what she said was the truth, yet deep inside the pain is still very raw. The wound is still fresh and is yet to close, heal and leave nothing but scars.

Deep inside, it still hurts a little when I come to think about it. I have been suppressing such thoughts over the last 2 months, but at times like this I feel almost vulnerable especially when doing God’s work through such a secular celebration of the world.

Amanda was back in Kuching to be with her family, preparing for her upcoming trials. Thank God someone called Erin was still around to hear me groan and moan again.

“Come on dude.. you yourself said that you are going to let God be your valentine.. remember the song?”

We wrote a song for the Valentine CA Celebration. Me, Caleb, Erin and Amanda. Together we trashed it out by the piano for quite some time.

Yes, I remember the song but if only it was so easy..

It’s not going to be easy, if in the first place you are not prepared to let go. After all, the cup is still full of the stale drink and unless you pour it out and wash the cup, there’s no chance of you filling your cup with anything else.

Unless and until the knife is removed, the wound will never heal.

And I came to the realisation that as much as it hurts when the knife penetrates the flesh, it hurts equally much to remove it. More often than not, we’re not prepared to go through the pain again, not realising that only by pulling out that knife, only will we allow the wounds to heal and the restoration process to begin.

Valentine’s Day still means nothing to me, but one thing for sure, I’ve started to look at love differently. I learned that the no love that Man gives can equal what love God has given us. Only son sent down from heaven to earth for our sins? The sacrifice of the innocent lamb for the unworthy sinners?

The struggle will always be there to choose to seek the voice of God in pursuing what He wants me to pursue. It is always easier to chase my dreams than to chase the Giver of the dreams, but as I said much earlier, it's about time to let go of my ego and start seeking him, because only when I allow God to work in my life, will I be able to see the beauty of God and His plans that He has for me.

Plans of a future and hope. Plans of a wonderful and glorious tomorrow. Plans of a girl that God will send into my life to unleash the best that I ever had, to touch and make me better than before.

That is love. That is the truth of Valentine’s.