Tash's Letter

Darling Nat,

Hey there! How have you been doing? Have you been brushing your teeth the way daddy has thought you to?

Mummy wrote this letter to you, hoping that you will be able to read this letter on your 15^th birthday – that is if daddy can remember to give it to you – so if it’s your birthday today, Happy Birthday sweetheart! No matter how old you may be right now, you were once that little sweet Natalie that I cradled when you were born, you were that same little darling that I’d swing in the air and kiss and hug. There are just things like that that will never change dearest girl, and memories never change.

You might have very little memory of me now that it’s almost 15 years since I passed away. Perhaps, daddy might have got a new mummy for you. Perhaps, daddy might have raised you up alone single-handedly. Perhaps, you might have been the one that took care of daddy too. I know you are a very capable daughter, and that if daddy falls, you will be there to hold him up. That’s you! Maybe it’s something that you got from me, the spirit and the determination to just go on and hang on.

Darling dearest, maybe you might hate me for leaving you when you were only a 3 year old daughter. Yes, you have every right to hate me for not being there for you throughout your school years. You should be angry at me for not being responsible for your meals, for your laundry or for helping you in your studies. Daddy’s always busy and I don’t think he will have the time to spend with you, am I right? He’s a doctor in A&E, he won’t be home most of the time. He won’t be there to have dinner with you most of the time, he won’t be the one to iron the clothes for you or put the shoes up on your rack for you when you come home from school.

If that’s what you are feeling, if your heart is so burdened with hatred and anger against me or your dad, darling girl, I’m so so so sorry. Please forgive me, but most importantly do forgive your dad. Your dad is a good and great man. He chose to give up his life for me when three terrorists shot towards me in an airport back 24 years ago. He ran up to me, pulled me behind his body and shielded me with his life and soul. He didn’t do it because he was heroic or brave. You know daddy, he’s even scared of chickens that run around. (I’m sure you do know that by now!) but he saved me because he loved me. Darling, daddy may not always be there for you, I may have not been there for you when you needed me the most, but guess what? Both daddy and I have never forgotten you. Never.

You might ask and challenge me. You might demand to see proof of existence. After all, mummy’s already 7 feet underground, so how would I know?

When I was younger, my nanny would take me out to play in the rain. Every time after playing in the rain, she would dry me in this nice big, warm towel. Wiping my face, body and draining every single bit of water from me, she would always tell me how the rain was a promise that my dad and mum never forgot me. No matter where they were, no matter whether they were alive or dead, the raindrops were messages of friendship, promises of a never ending companionship, and the assurance of a love that will last and never die.

I asked her, why so?

“Because those raindrops are the tears of your parents.”

Darling dearest, you see, I too was an orphan. I didn’t even know how my dad or mom looked like. My nanny told me that they were lost in the war, and later on my school teachers said that they died in a car accident. Till this day, I’m still not sure about what really happened to them. But that didn’t matter to me. I still grew up to become a lady that could believe in myself. I was determined to be the best that I deserved to be. I worked, I strived for excellence, I pushed, I challenged the fates of disease and illness, I even challenged my body and nature itself.

And I was rewarded. I was rewarded with your daddy. A man who loved me despite where I came from, despite the disease that I had, despite the fact that I was an orphan and had no family. Your daddy, loved me, not for what I was, but simply for who I am. He’d wrap me in his strong arms, and he’d just cradle me the way I once cradled you.

Darling dear, death was never an option for me. It wasn’t a choice I made, it was a decision beyond my control. Right now as I write this letter for you, I am struggling with every single word that I place in this piece of paper. That every word, every alphabet, is all blood and energy. I’m already into my 3^rd day of writing this for you, and even if it is going to drain all the energy left in my body or soul, still will I do it for you, because I know that this letter in your hands, will make a difference in your life for good.

I don’t know how you’re feeling now, there’re probably a hundred things crossing your mind now. That’s not important right now, because at this point of time that I’m penning all my thoughts down, 15 years before you opened this letter and even read a single word in here, my heart is burdened at the thought of what my darling little girl will be. Growing up in a notorious world without the loving wings of her mother, exposed to the perils of loneliness and haunted with the absence of both daddy and mummy. No tears will be able to express what sorrow I feel now, no words can possibly or sufficiently paint a picture of the pain I feel now. And I ask God, why must He take me away from you as much as he takes you away from me, at such a time, where you are still young, still unshaped in character, still unable to make the right decisions for yourself?

And I stumbled upon this verse.

“For I have plans for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

How can that be? I argued with God furiously. My darling daughter is going to go through the exact same things I went through in my younger days, my dearest Nat is going to undergo the same pain that I endured for the last 35 years of my life. She is going to be lonely, she is going to face this world alone while her dad is struggling to save as many people as he can with his medicine box.

But it became clear now to me, and that’s what I need to tell you here.

As much as I went through what I’ve went through, you too can go through what you are going through now.

As much as I fought my way to becoming what I desired to be, you too can fight to be what you want yourself to be.

As much as I was lonely and alone with no one to listen to my cries, I made a new friend.

A friend that never betrays.

A friend that never leaves me alone when I need someone beside me.

A friend that I can call ‘Saviour’

A friend that I can call ‘Companion’

A friend that no man can ever be

The more I was lonely, the more I spent time with Jesus. The more I was devastated, the more I hung on to the only promise I had with me.

Darling, your horizons are out there, the skies are in your reach, the rewards are there for harvest. What are you waiting for? Or is there something holding you back from being the best that you know you could be? Is there a struggle within you that you refuse to bend to, or is there a problem that you will never allow yourself to commit to God?

Is there an emptiness that nothing, or no one perhaps, not even your daddy, can fill?

Here’s something. Even if I was still alive, I too couldn’t fill that loneliness in you. Only God can fill that empty cup of yours up, and that can only take place the very moment you chose to open the door of your heart to Him.

Be all that you can be and be all that you believe you could live up to. Remember, I’m watching over you from heaven, and am always beside you even though you may never notice.

I love you dearest. I love you darling.

Mommy

Tash