Thursday, February 1, 2007

When I Was Asleep

Tash paced up and down the corridor. Occasionally looking through the glass panel, she could clearly see the doctors and the nurses working busily over his motionless body. They were mouthing a lot of stuff, but she couldn't make up a single word of it.

From outside she saw the nurses adjusting the IV drips and the metal stand that's holding it. She couldn't will herself to go on looking at the commotion inside and hence sat down on the chairs outside my room.

Holding firmly in her hands was the bouquet of roses she bought seconds before her whole life changed. Seconds before that, she was preparing to surprise him with something sweet that he liked. She remembered that he liked roses equally much as her as the roses reminded him of her.

"Every petal of a rose," he once whispered into her ears, "is a beautiful part of you."

And as she held that bouquet, reminding herself of how beautiful she was - and hopefully is - in his eyes, she thought the roses were dying. She thought she saw her petals dropping and fading as he fell and collapsed right in front of her eyes. How as he turned her around to take the shots, how she wanted to scream and scold him as usual, but too late as he smiled and almost immediately gasped for air as he went down to the bullets.

She just couldn't stop the crystal beads from rolling out of her eyes. Eyes shut tight, images of the scene in the ambulance kept replaying itself over and over again. How she yelled and begged and cried and hit him, but still he remained motionless and still. His pulse was slowly decreasing back in the ambulance and as the paramedics were fighting to keep him breathing and alive, she could only sit silently at the side, making sure she didn't get in the way. Holding his hand firmly close to her damp wet face, she could only pray as a helpless person.

If there was anything that she would never ever doubt, she would never doubt the fact that he will give up his life for her when the time arise.

And how she doubted him back when she once met him.

While dating before heading off to Chiang Mai, she once asked him, "Would you ever die for me?" He was stunned and almost went blank for a moment before he fumbled out the words, "Uh.. well.. that's a tough one isn't it.."

"Would you?"


"I don't know dear. I really don't know." He held her hands and gazed into her eyes. She saw sadness and unsecurity, she saw no assurance of a man that would be prepared to die for her. She only saw that sombre sense of loneliness she never saw before in his eyes, and her heart sank.

She kept that doubt to herself throughout the whole Chiang Mai mission. Though he stunned her by constantly surprising her with beautiful night sceneries and fruits she never seen before in her whole life, though she decided to give him her life and her future, though she never knew what was ahead of them, she still doubted. That thought had disturbed her through the whole journey back to NY and even as she purchased the roses, she looked into the petals and sigh.

What am I doing?

Now she finally knew what was she doing. She was committing her life to a man that was prepared to die for her, and yet at the point of time she decided to stop doubting him as she walked towards him with that bouquet of roses, she lost him.

"Miss Natasha, may I see you for a moment?"

Disturbed from her daze and thinking, she got up and straightened her jacket. Still holding on to the roses, she walked into the doctor's room and sat on the chair.

"Is.. is he ok?" Her voice was all fear and worries.

What if he died? She thought.

No, I must believe that he will live. He will live for me.

She chose to believe that as much as he was prepared to die for her, he too would fight with every breath that he had, to stay alive, to be with her too. She believed that would be him. He was a fighter. He too had fought half his life for the dreams that he had, for the visions that was given to him, for the glory of the Lord. He fought against the red tapes of the birocracy, he fought against criticism in his very own church, he stood up for what was right when everyone was against it, and he has went through the worst of storms in his life and walked out of it a better and stronger person. He persevered in Chiang Mai, braved the rains and chill and protected her from the cold and rain.

He will fight to be with her. I know he would.

But will he live?

Then she got the news. Her heart shattered. She couldn't believe what she heard.

He wouldn't make it, as long as he did not get a heart from a donor.

Lord.. how could you let this happen? Why him, why a good man?

In front of the doctor, she couldn't control her emotions anymore. It was just beyond what she could possibly bear anymore. It was the last that she wanted or had to hear, and she just heard it slip from the doctor's mouth. She wanted and needed hope of his survival so badly, and the doctor sitting in front of her sealed it up.

How could that be?

The voices of the doctor just faded away from her ears. Nothing from the doctor was really making sense or important, so that had to fade. She did not want to hear anymore attempted dialogues of consolation or comfort from man, she wanted to seek the face that she has always desired to see all her life. She wanted to hear from the voice that was most important to her all her life. She wanted her best friend to be by her side, as He has always been all those years.

The same voice that told her to let him come into his life, the same voice that told her not to doubt in him, the same voice that was always heard through the whole ordeal beginning from the gunshots right till that point of time..

God, where are you when I need you the most?

Here I am. Why did you let this happen? Why him of all people? You know well enough that I needed her..

Yes you needed him, but at times like this don't you need Me more? Lord, please be merciful to him Lord, I'm begging you. Not me, just him.. him Lord..

So do You want him to live? Yes Lord, more than anything.. let him live..

Will you give up your life for his sake? What do you mean now?

Will you give up your life for him to liveas he did, for you to live on? Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready Lord, whatever it may take.

"Miss," suddenly the doctor interrupted my conversation with God. "There's only one last possibility left."

That sentence changed the whole course of events. Before she knew what was happening, she was asked to bathe, sign tonnes of legal contracts and statements, renew and review her will for a possible last time, and donning a large white gown, she lay down on a large bed with rollers.

"You are a great lady, Miss Natasha." the doctor looked at her with great and yet, compassionate eyes. "Are you sure and ready to do this?"

She nodded her head confidently. This time, she knew well enough what she was going to do.

Before signing anything, she called her mother. "Nanny?"

"Hi darling.."

I'm just here to say that this will be the last time I'm talking to you, the last time that you will hear my voice, the last time that you will hear me alive, the last time that I will be hearing anything from you..

"I'm just here to say that Nanny, through the many many years, you have been the mother I needed, the lady that was always there for me, the father who taught me to be a lady and the person who has always supported me in all that I do. Thank you and I love you.."

"Is everything ok Tash?"

She never did answer that question, before she burst into another round of tears she quickly slammed the phone. That was the last thing she wanted her nanny to hear before she left this world for good. She didn't want people to worry about her, she didn't want people to mourn or beg her not to do anything stupid.

It was a choice she made. Not for anyone, not for God, but for him.

The man who was ready to die for her without asking for anything in return. For the man who loved her with every little thing that she had.

And she decided, that for him to live would be better for her to live. It was pointless for her to live on with a problem while her problem would become a solution to others. She wanted him to have what she had that could keep him alive.

And she decided, that she will take to the knife. She will let the doctors take her heart, and give it to him.

As she was wheeled into the operation theatre. The anasthesist asked her one last time, "Miss Natasha, beyond this point there is no turning back. This prosedure is irreversible and once you've been put to sleep, you will last for as long as this anasthesia last. Are you ready?"

"Go ahead. Just do it."

As the anasthesist inserted the anasthesia into her, she breathed in deeply. Lord, will I be seeing you soon?

No Tash, not so soon. Why not?

She thought she could see God smiling at her. She never knew why, but what she saw was a doctor running into the operation theatre with a little glass thing in his hands. She could see his name tag bearing the name 'Freezer' through the translucent surgical gown. He pushed the nurses who were getting Tash ready for operation and mumbled some medical terms to the doctor who was about to perform the prosedure. She thought she heard the nurses letting out a laugh and a cheer and she thought she could make out a smile carved on all of their faces from behind their masks.

"What's going on?" she could feel the strain of the anasthesia on her. She was quickly dozing off and falling into a deep sleep.

"Miss Natasha, you are not going to die. For both you and Joash, you will live and be great. You are going to be history."

And true enough, she closed her eyes, never knowing that what was beyond that point of time, what was installed for her after she open her eyes into a new realm would be history.

1 comment:

Sihan said...

My stupid name appeared again sigh...