Christmas in Solitude

Lights! Christmas trees! Santa Claus! Presents! Carols! Laughter! Food!

That's what everyone's christmas is like. Not mine, my Christmas was spent in pure solitude this year. No noice, no carols, no games, no presents to open, no calls to make out..

Just pure solitude.

Last year I spent my Christmas in Taiwan. People, if there's any place that doesn't celebrate Christmas, it would be in Middle East and Taiwan. Gosh, there's just no festive about Christmas! It's no public holiday over there, no decorations, no Santa Claus, no presents.. no nothing! But you know what's the best part? I heard the best sermon in my whole life that Christmas back in 2005. The pastor spoke a message of hope, a message of salvation.

"The only reason why the date Jesus was born is so that all of us will always remember, that any day and any time, Jesus came down and can still come into our lives." Gosh, that's so real and that really ministered.

"Fortune tellers tell you you have no hope; your horoscope says you're a goner; your feng shui says you're out of luck. People, I'll introduce to you the best fortune teller in the universe - He knows your past, he sees your present, and he holds your future - I'll introduce to you the best horoscope analyst in the world - He placed the stars in the sky and arranged the universe in place - I'll introduce to you the best feng shui reader of the planet - He created nature by command, and nature obeys Him. People, I introduce to you Jesus. And today, He says to all of us, 'No one, no one at all, has no hope when he invites Me to come into his life.' And that's the meaning of Christmas."

That was the message of hope that I heard in Taiwan Kaoshiung back in 2005. 2006 was different. I didn't go to church, I didn't go carolling, nothing, just sit at home in pure solitude. Not doing much, probably played NFS Most Wanted, chat on messenger and just living a normal day..

Ok, I actually travelled back on Christmas day itself from Alor Setar to Ipoh, so that means the whole morning was gone, and at night I went to a friends house for barbeque and worship meeting and stuff.. but most of the time I was on my own, not doing much things, not celebrating the way I should have celebrated. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't sad or anything.. I just didn't had the mood to celebrate.

After all, what was there to celebrate really? Were people really celebrating Christmas? Were those trees and songs and music really meant for Jesus, or were all of those merely commercial purposes that were meant to bring in more profit?

This year, I wanted to be more handsome. I wanted a girlfriend so badly, and I wanted a nice girl to love me (I don't expect the whole population of girls in my region to love me, just one.. not being greedy or unrealistic) I wanted to be famous, to be popular, to be strong and mighty. To be respected, to be the Man that people wanted me to be.. to be wise, smart, no not smart, but the smartest.. I wanted to top the form, top A-Levels in INTEC and stuff.. I wanted to be a champion debater, internationally ranked.. I wanted to be influential, president of the student board, captain of debates, international speaker..

I so badly wanted to be recognised. I was never recognised, I was never acknowledged, never given a stand-up ovation ever in my whole life, and I just wanted that.

But none of it is coming to past.

And on Christmas, in my solitude, in the absence of laughter, in the absence of all the noise and the world, I said,

"Lord, be merciful to me."

Tears.

Lord, I'm so lonely. I'm really lonely.. I've served you for so long, I've been faithful to you, and yet..

If you've read my year end review, I hid a lot of things from you. My results in INTEC is a flop, I'm not doing well at all in INTEC. Life in Shah Alam was a struggle, a very tough one. I'm far away from my parents and my mom especially, the one person in the world that I could really really seek refuge and advice from. I'm not used to speaking in Malay in class, and I'm always an odd one. I still talk a lot, I'm still too talkative until I give my lecturers a headache. I sometimes forget to do my homework which really ticks the lecturers off, and sometimes when I see the disappointment on their face, I feel ashamed of myself.

I'm far off from what I want to be. Or what my ego wanted me to be.

And now, on Christmas day, I realised, that what really makes a Man, is not the noise that he creates around him, is not how popular he is, it's not how good his results are, but it's how faithful a servant he has been to God. And I want that. I want to be that servant that God can be proud of. I wanted to be proud of myself, but now it's fine time that I take that step back and tell God that I want to be the guy that He can be proud of instead. No point satisfying my ego, for what Man achieves in the world is nothing more than the clouds in the coffee. Nothing more than history, and all share pass and fade. Nothing remains but the glory of the Lord.

People still ask me, why didn't I stand for elections for the student council. They heap me with false assurance and praises that "If only you stand for elections surely you'll be the president!" But deep in my heart, I know the only reason I didn't stand for the elections. Becasue there was no calling. I heard no voice from the Lord to go! And I didn't go, instead I went for training in PJ for an upcoming toastmaster humorous speech competition - and got shot left right center by the people who were evaluating my speech.. speak about jumping from the wok into the fire huh..

I want to be a speaker, yes, but I want to speak of God's goodness and God's grace. I want people to know that God is just more than a religion or a piece of information you have to fill in your ic, or a little ritual that you have to perform, God is REAL, and He can be a friend. He has been a friend to me! I've quarrelled with Him before, argued with Him about the girl I like, chose to be stubborn.. and like a friend who never turns His back, He was always there. Always.

The solitude of the christmas made me realise, that when the voices of the world cannot be heard, it is when the voice of God is heard. Clearly.

Jesus was born in the humble city of Bethlehem, not Jerusalem. In the absence of the royalty, in the absence of the center troops guarding Israel, in the absence of the palace or the castles.

Jesus was born in the quietness of the manger, with neither fireworks nor celebration. His audience were no physicians, no midwives, no reporters nor journalists. Only animals, nature, the very thing that He created with his commands.

The announcing of His birth was done by the angels, not to the King or aristocrates of the time, but to the humble sheperds who were tending to their sheep.

The best Christmas message that I've ever heard of in my life, was delivered in a land which celebrated no Christmas, but humbly embraced and rejoiced in the birth of Jesus in their very own way.

I'm going to listen to the Lord, not to the world anymore. I have to make up my mind and decide, because it's my life that I'm talking about. No joking issue. My ego just has to collapse, because my heart can no longer hold one seat for two. It's either my ego, or it's my best friend.

And I have decided. All in the solitude of Christmas.