What made me who I am

Ever heard of people saying that 'your past dictates your future?' I, to some extent agree to it.

I was once a totally dislikable person - not to say that i'm very likable now, it's just a way of looking at it - no friends, no people the same age as me to play hide and seek with, no companions to study, nobody to talk to over the phone, no one to hang out with... I didn't know why, but one thing for sure everyone hated me. Apparantly it was because of my big mouth. I was always blunt, sharp, honest, don't-give-a-darn type of person and was just not afraid to offend anybody. In class teachers would shut me out to prevent me from being what I perceived 'active participation in lesson', they would just make sure I don't get a single chance to talk at all. Problem is, everytime I tried to ask a question they would think that I'm trying to be smart or something, so there you go... nobody liked me for that.

Was it that I was trying to be smart, or that I tried to just speak my mind out? I was dumped in a typical Chinese primary school by my hopeful parents of an aspiring prodigy - of which, turned out to be pretty devastated parents in the end - and the fact that Chinese schoolteachers don't buy the idea of allowing kids to speak out their mind made things plain disaster for me. I had no chance to express my thoughts! What I wanted to say so badly, I couldn't say... so in the end I forced my way through and spoke it out whether or not the teachers allowed it or not. At the end of the day, my teachers called my parents and told them that 'your son is a real nuisence in class and he is SOOOOOOO poor behaved in class' ....

From that point of time, teachers would literally belittle me in class, whether they had any reason or not. The fact is, they just hated me for who I was and for every single thing I did, so they'd find opportunities and excuses to make me a scapegoat for anything that went wrong in class. Dudes, I was miserable.. and that was back when I was only in standard 4 till standard 6. Could there be anything worse than that? Teachers taruh-ing you in class, kids your class staying away from you because the teachers hate you, parents that always yell at you just because they got called to school again. *Sigh* pure tough luck.

Frankly, if rejection could be explained, I'm the definition.
What made a difference was not the way teachers looked at me, it was the way 2 people in church did for me. Uncle Peter and Aunty Anna. I could clearly remember the Sunday I walked into CGMC Kids. I went there back in 1998 after a VBS organised in 1997 that got me so fired up that I decided to go to Kids Church in CGMC ever since. And I walked into that sanctuary feeling lonely, desolated, friend-less, unloved. And the last place that I sought some refuge and comfort, was in the cushion of that church.

What Uncle Peter and Aunty Anna did for me wasn't great. They didn't lay hands and prayed for a miracle in my life, they didn't send me for rallies or stuff. All they did was accept and love me. When no one could possibly love a guy that talks too much nonsense and crap, they softly corrected me, made me aware of what was the real problem and lifted me back to my feet. Before that, I was probably crawling on my knees and elbow after all the slamming from school and home, but they gave me a little courage to stand up, one feet at a time. And they cleaned those wounds by giving me a assurance that no matter how bad I may be, God still loves me. And that made a difference.

I could see love in the way they treated me. They weren't harsh at me, but they talked to me the way anyone would want to be talked to. They treated me like a human being, not like trash as I was treated in school. And I realise, hey, I can be loved! Once I cried in pain and hurt, now I cry in the fact that people can love me, and that touched me to the bones.

I changed, I learned the art of persuasive speaking, not speaking up too bluntly, not being too nasty with my words, and most of all I learned to tolerate. Those days before church, I would just shoot back every nasty comment about me with a nastier statement, but slowly I snapped out of that. Things change, and people change to.

And that became a transition period that prepared me for secondary school, because in secondary school teachers were different. Though I was still in the same school, but teachers there treated students differently. They were more opened to opinions and comments, and trust me, the teachers were more than happy to have students to talk openly (and relevantly, of course) in their class. It was a new environment, and I learned how to use what little I had to the most out of it. Joined public speaking and debates where I could use my tongue to the max! =D

But then in secondary school what hit me bad was the prefectorial board. I was a prefect for 5 solid years, and trust me, it was another 5 years of disaster. Problems came, surprisingly, not from the students that I deal with, but with my superiors that I'm accountable to. Funny! Coz it was the seniors and the committees that really ticked me off.

"From now onwards, I want every prefect to book ten names per week! Only a good prefect can do that." Sheesh, a good prefect doesn't use books, he solve the cases on the spot dude..

"If you don't copy enough names in your book, we'll punish the group leaders." What on earth? Punishing the group leaders for something that's not wrong that they didn't do? This is crazy man...

And the best part, we had teachers in prefectorial who were either communist or dictators. First they'd give you the authority as head prefect, then the next thing you know they'd be pushing you around barking orders here and there, but instead of them delivering the orders they make you announce it to the prefects to give people the impression that you're the one giving the orders. What the heck! Used as a puppet...

But I stood up for what was right. I made my stand. No, as a prefect I will not create fear in students but I will build relationships with them that is based on trust and respect. Respect is not in fear, it is earned and built over the days and years, and I did exactly that. My log book ended up as an add-maths scrape book which I use for my maths classes... and my seniors really hated me. They proposed for my demotion when it came to the next AGM and elections, and the teachers were more than glad to approve it. Came to the HM and the PKs, they were outrageous.. nearly went berserk... because after all, the ones that really saw me doing the work were them, not the teachers or the seniors.

=D What comes round goes round.

What did it make me?

It made me a person who chooses to trust and yet doubt in people.

It made me a person who knew how it felt like to be lonely.

It made me a person who's still lonely.

But most of all, it made me someone who could feel for those who are lonely.

And I love kids.. I know how much it meant to be loved when I was a kid, and I tell you I wouldn't have traded anything in my life for the times I've been reali reali loved. And as a result of the love that was shown to me by those church people, I in return learn to love the younger kids that now attend church. VBS, orphanage visit.. it gave me a totally different way of looking at those little ones. I was once them, alone, but they don't have to go through what I went through...

"Let the little ones come to me," said Jesus, "For the kingdom of God is built upon them"

Secondary school made me a person that submitted unto authority. I hated my teachers to the bone, but when they gave me an order or a command, I bowed and obeyed. Once a teacher sent me out of class when I was still in active duty, I obeyed, and the HM was impressed. "I have never seen a student more obedient than you, you joker."

A person that stood up for what I believed. Fight for what is right, and not your rights.

A person who chooses not to bend to circumstances but to the authority above you. Bending not to the person but to the command.

A person that though wished he was in a better situation and yet does not complain but instead serves faithfully.

A person who knows that though the duties are hard - but if in no other choice - will still do it, whole heartedly. That's what I learned from prefectorial: loyalty. Be like the dog, loyal. The master may mistreat you, the master may forget to feed you, the master may kick you, but stay loyal, don't bite back and protect your master when he's in danger.

My past made me the Dog.