What I've Always Wanted to Say

Dear Rachel,

Behind the realms of truth, lies the nature of pain and hurt. Because it is the truth that reveals the pain and the problems that are in existence. Yet my journey with you over the last whole month, over the last 7 rounds in the debate field, has challenged that truth. It was once said, that great man use lies to convey the truth. Have I done that, regardless of whether I am a great man or not?

When I first met you, back on that corridor while pasting up the ‘Battle of Minds’ posters, it was just a casual question that I didn’t expect any response. I never expected anybody to be so enthusiastic about partnering me in a debate. I make a lousy partner. I’m impatient, I’m moody, I have a fiery temper. And when you said ‘yes’ without giving it a second thought, I really thought you were kidding. And when I realized that you were serious and sincere, I decided to take it as a challenge.

And to be honest, you were no good speaker at all. You had no formal training, you had no real exposure in the debate or speaking arena, you had no experience one way or another. To me, it was a disadvantage. Perhaps I sealed my own fate when I decided to take you as a partner. Before partnering you, I very badly wanted to win the tournament. I have never won any single debate tournament, and this BoM seemed like a very good chance. All I needed was a good partner that could debate well, and I could well be on the path to victory.

You changed that all.

You were handicapped where language was concerned. True, you have the ideas and the thoughts, but you just simply couldn’t express it. You had a backhand where speaking was involved. Yes, you may talk a lot in class – from the feedbacks I get from your lecturers - but it just simply doesn’t reflect that you could speak well.

Suddenly, my dreams of winning vapourised. In a split second after working with you, I knew for sure that we will never go far in a tournament where you will meet debaters like Johnson, Alex or Deenish. Debate, after all, is team work, not individual performance. No point if I could be a best speaker while you were a mediocre. It doesn’t work that way.

Somehow now, after looking back at what I’ve went through with you, I must admit that you have left me with an invaluable lesson. You taught me, that winning is simply not everything. That sometimes, victory can be hollow, but it is the dream that keeps us pushing hard and strong when things seem to go wrong from every direction. You made me see, that beyond the glory of gold and applause, there is a greater goal to accomplish. In life, it is more than just the mere honour Man can endow upon each other that matters, but it is the fruits of the labour of striving hard and pressing on to achieving a vision that brings out the best in us.

What I saw from you, that made me never gave up on you ever, was your persistency and perseverance. That I saw you struggle so hard and so much at times, and yet you were never ready to give up. That when I just fired you for all the mistakes you made, you just accepted it, made some notes, and stand up, try again and keep learning. That you were prepared to make mistakes to learn from it, and you were ready to get a fair bit of scolding for the sake of improving. And I was moved by that.

Most of all, you gave me the opportunity. The chance to be a partner to you, the chance to learn how to help each other, the chance to see what I have never seen in a person that struggles as she fights, but above all, a chance to bring out the best in you.

You see, Rachel, I could have never be a winner with you. But it is not about being a winner in the sense of winning a tournament, rather it is about being able to bring out the best in you that makes me and you a true winner. No one can always win forever, but we can always choose to bring out the best in each other. That could have only happened because you first gave me that chance to be there for you, to bring out the best in you.

I can and never will be the best in the field. And that feeling sucks. I have never won any tournament despite how hard I train back in secondary school because I never had good partners in the first place. That to know that you will always be discriminated because you come from a Chinese school, regardless of how good or how well prepared you are, you are always a second-class speaker in any major league. I have went through all of that, and sometimes that feeling kinda haunts me still. This is where you have an advantage. Because you never had such exposure, you have no such fears. Because you never went through what I did, you don’t worry about ‘history repeating itself’ to you.

Maybe what you said was right. That “I really don’t like you” made me think a lot. From the very first moment, after knowing that I am not a very well accepted person to you challenged me, to not become more accepted to you, but to be more careful. I won’t lie. It hurt very much to hear you say that. But I had to pretend, and show outwardly, that it didn’t matter. I rather get hurt for the truth then to feel good over a lie. And I thank you for being that truthful partner.

So much said and so much written, the last thing you ought to remember is this: I no longer strive for gold. After fighting for the last 7 rounds with you, I now know that there is a greater calling, and that is God. For it is God who placed me in a team with you, and showed me what purposes that needed to be achieved in the process, and the journey that I had to go through with you, that makes gold as worthless as the dust beneath the feet. Sometimes there will be that desire to get gold, but the true gold in me is the heart of gold both you and I have, and that comes from God.

My victory, is in you. My gold, came when I know, that you learned something out of all this. And that though you may not have won anything so far, though you may not be the best partner that I could dream for, but you gave your worst and lousiest chance your very best shot, and brought out the very best in you. That makes both you and I, champions, in our very own ways.

You are never forgotten in my prayers. Never forgotten, because as much as I have made a difference in you, so have you made a change in me. And I can only thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for everything that you have done to and for me.

Cheers,
Jo.